What’s on press – Audre Lorde quote about living your voice! All handset metal and wood type. Photo by the author.

Driven. Perhaps that’s the word I strive for. There have been times in my life where I felt truly driven, perhaps even careless at times, for the risks I might have taken. Sometimes my anguish makes me stubborn. More often, though, I find that I am fighting my own timidity. And then there are occasions when I surprise myself with the strength to speak up.

So it was that I found myself frustrated and furious at the unfairness of what I was observing, him trying to punish me for my womanly insolence by punishing Josaia instead. This time I needed to speak up, and push back. Even though it wasn’t my country, it was his. Even though I could be deported and lose my job and my home. 

But what was I risking losing “REALLY?” I’d get a free ticket home. And poor Josaia would be left as a pawn between the angry colonial-empowered administrator of a higher chiefly status, and who didn’t like being challenged by yet another privileged, especially female, expatriate. I get it. There are resentments there, some even justified. Because who wants to be told what to do in their own country?

I was speaking up because I truly believed I was doing what I was hired to do … to make sure that a talented young man would be given the opportunities to earn the credentials that would prepare him to take over my job

However, in my mind, I was speaking up because I truly believed I was doing what I was hired to do, what my work permit/visa said was my purpose here… And that was to make sure that a talented young man would be given the opportunities to earn the credentials that would prepare him to take over my job at this South Pacific university. 

I turned around and decided to use that privilege in support of my objective. As I walked out of his office, I threw across the threshold a threat of the potential withdrawal of American support. HE didn’t know that it was a bluff. And maybe it wasn’t. 

I left feeling emotionally drained, yet satisfied that something would be worked out. I DID have the support of another foreign university in New Zealand. And that alone could have lead to some challenges for the local administrator. In the end, though, I stayed until my contract was over and headed on to new adventures back in my own country. Little did I realize how important this brief – but stressful – interaction would be to strengthening my own resolve in the future.

And Moving On…

Nearly 20 years of great triumphs and deep disappointments had passed, when I sat there in a room full of friends and colleagues after the orange-one had been elected for the first time. So deeply wounded most of us felt, unable to process how someone so horribly cruel and brutish could be selected to lead the greatest nation on earth. 

And this, after eight years of the most incredible growth in community building and social support structures seen since the years following the Great Depression of the early 20th Century! Nearly all of us there shared a deep grief and horror at realizing that there was a sizable portion of the population who thought all of this was “okay”. And some of his supporters were in this very room with us, unable to comprehend just the opposite, why we would object so vehemently to the candidate they supported.

Witnessing our shared pain, hearing it in the voices, and seeing it in the faces of colleagues who I’d come to love and respect, especially the looks from the pain of betrayal… It is seared in my memory, and has served as a catalyst to grow my own courage to take a stand.

What followed was four years of literal hell,… a parade of injustices, a global pandemic, a crucible of reinvention of economic systems, an insurrection... 

What followed was four years of literal hell – the death of George Floyd and so many others in a parade of injustices, a global pandemic, a crucible of reinvention of economic systems, an insurrection, and then resurrection to try and salvage the work that I and others had always been committed to, especially in education, to support belonging, justice, and access. 

I knew I could no longer just be on the supporting team. I felt an overwhelming need to step up and speak up, to try and be part of making a positive change. 

A college council was created and I put my name in to serve. A white face on a Jewish / Hispanic / Quechua / Russian / American woman, a true ethnic mutt. My apparent privilege – emboldened with a still freshly minted doctorate – would be used for good, as a force for change. I served as its leader for more than four years, until my college president – the first African American and woman to serve in this role – was literally pushed out by a newly elected MAGA board of trustees. Their takeover preceded the return of the orange one to his recrudescent second term in the White House, now angry, full of vengeance, and more power hungry than ever.

What now?!

I’m continuing the work, though in a different way. I could hear the unspoken advice shared by our former leader that was quiet but clear. Do I try and continue our work by trying to work WITH the new MAGA-installed president? Or do I continue the work of change by going under the radar, still strong but out of their gunsights. I chose the latter approach.

It’s been a very challenging time since. Recently, as I sat in a zoom meeting with colleagues from across the state, I saw fewer people than before. Many had struggled to keep their jobs in the space of diversity, equity, inclusion, belonging, and justice that we all believe in passionately. The majority of participants in this group are Black, demonstrating yet another burden they carry when the work should be part of everyone’s responsibility, no matter our role in education or society at large. 

Yet, as I looked across the faces on the screen, I could see the exhaustion on their faces. It is the deep weariness that comes from beating off non-stop attacks from all corners of life.  As we faced the reality that our small midwest conference would have to be cancelled, and potential threats to our very existence in this work, I felt pain of defeat. I felt angry. I felt resolve. 

And so I spoke up … loudly. No matter what is going to happen next, this work is too important. We can refocus our work. But we absolutely cannot stop now.