Louie, the Silken Windhound, inspects a recently fallen tree after one of Mother Nature’s mood swings with high winds. Photo by the author.

It gets crowded sometimes in my world. My mother’s voice encouraging me to do what I do best. My dad yelling from the other room, “If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all!” I know he didn’t really mean it as cruelly as it sounded. But my 16-year-old self took it quite hard.

They’re both gone now. But even so, nearly 50 years later, those words still ring in my ears at times, feeding self-doubt as I make my way, once again a widow in the world.

Other voices laugh, whisper, encourage, and cry softly. Keith, my first love, encourages me to take the risks. “Fiji? Why not?” He said. “Sounds good to me!” And so our path was set to the South Pacific, thirty-five years ago, and yet still seems like yesterday. 

Then and now, he sometimes would give me a hard time about being compulsive about things… but I was too timid, really, back then. So bravado sometimes came out instead. Aging without him here beside me these last 14 years has changed a lot of that in me. 

But it has changed him, too. His sometimes harsh teasing in the past has become softer, more assertively encouraging. “Don’t let your own self-doubt, and that imposter syndrome, take you down.” I can hear him whisper gently, but firmly in my ear.

I miss him holding my hand. I miss his hugs that seemed to wrap around me like a shield against the world’s troubles.

Steve, only 10 months gone, walks with me on occasion. Like the distracted child, he is off learning new things, or catching up with old friends in the world gone by, beyond the liminal veil that keeps him just out of my reach. I miss him holding my hand. I miss his hugs that seemed to wrap around me like a shield against the world’s troubles.

But I hear him when he decides to pop up into my head. “Yes! That’s the way. Don’t forget to shim the ends out,” he says. “Be careful to check the length of that screw for that door!” he reminds me, as I begin to install new shades in the living room. Thankfully I understood his guidance, since the barebones instructions that came with the packaging didn’t mention anything. And the Youtube videos were even less helpful.

I walk around the sunlit yard, still cold as Springtime brings Mother Nature’s mood swings. Today 70 and warm, tomorrow freezing with snow, the next day a little warmer again but with a harsh driving wind. But then along comes a dreary grey cold rain… and my mood swings, too. 

And sometimes I just want to stay in bed all day.

Then the visitors come. And they tell me – “Rise and Shine, my girl!” 

“You’ve still got a lot of living left to do! So don’t waste a minute of the life you have! For soon enough, you’ll be on the other side when your time comes, whispering advice to those left behind.”

I pull the covers harder over my head.

copyright 2026 © Mara Jevera Fulmer